In Business with Bipolar Disorder- Hypomania runs the happy show

Mental health in this country (I’m in the United States) is a taboo topic. You could break your leg robbing an old lady and get more empathy and caring than telling someone you suffer a mental disorder. I have 3 myself; Anxiety, ADHD, and Bipolar II. They blend into this amalgamation of a blob of crazy and grandiose thoughts bouncing around in a sea of despair and worry. It’s hard to have the drive to be the center of attention while also fearing people even acknowledging your existence. I also have seasonally affected migraines and Essential Tremor disorder. My hands shake, mildly to severely depending on random factors like planetary alignment and the nearest herd of cows or how cold it is. And my migraines drop me into this stupor where taking a hammer to my eye socket sounds like a fabulous idea. Luckily both are treated by the same medication- which is used to treat blood pressure. Makes sense, right?

Now, start a business in the middle of a hypomanic episode during a global pandemic. Yea, I know, that’s not a smart idea.

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Now, I am medicated for all 3 conditions, though I only take my ADHD medication when I need it. I can tell the days I’ve forgotten to pill pop. I get antsy, heart palpitations, and a general sense of meh. It takes at least an hour or more for the medication to start working, during which I feel like I’m on a sled, going down a rocky hill out of control and heading for a 100 year old oak tree. It’s gonna hurt when I crash. But even on medication, I sometimes make decisions that are not in my best interest. I used to make many more when I wasn’t medicated or even aware that I had these brain disfunctions. Oh man was I an uncontrolled wreck. And I was this way for most of my adult life. I had a marriage fail due to this. But enough of where I failed… lets discuss the here and now.

I’ve always had this crazy passion for creating things I see online and in stores. Something about seeing a pair of earrings made with beads and pieces I can buy online and assembled into something that is sort of cool itches my brain. “I can do that” I stupidly say to myself. And when hypomanic I attempt to do that. And usually I fail. I have drawers full of supplies, and parts for leather working, metal working, and jewelry making. I could keep a kindergarten class occupied for a week with all of the stuff I possess. Now, I don’t fail because I suck- failure comes because I get extremely overwhelmed with the idea of doing the project. It’s like trying to organize a closet, but once you’ve pulled everything out your brain and body shuts down over the thought that now you have to put it all away and in an order that makes sense. And half of the stuff is sentimental items. (This has happened to me countless times- until I finally got a handle on closet organization)

How I got here

I think it was around October of 2020 when this all started. I was in a pseudo-hypomanic state. I was feeling like I needed change. I’d decided to move my desk from upstairs to downstairs to accommodate my daughter being homeschooled for a short period of time. As such, my craft desk, which had been serving as my work desk needed to be re-organized. I found a small spool of memory wire. I’d been seeing memory wire bracelets on Pinterest and again got the idea that I could make one. So, I did. I won’t say it was easy, but I didn’t feel overwhelmed making it. Plus, my tremors were not as impactful as they are when making earrings. And, the result looked pretty cool. Churn churn churn went my hypomanic brain. So, that weekend I made more. I got additional supplies between then and Christmas (shopping spree anyone?). I made more. I started wearing them. I got some compliments. DING! Why not make these for a living? I have supplies, tools, and knowledge… I just need the parts!

Being in a hypomanic state is like sitting on the unstable edge of cloud 9. You are sure you can do anything. Antsy and anxious are good words to describe the physical feeling. I could imagine it’s the feeling a marathon runner feels while at the start line waiting for the signal to start running. Grandiosity and self belief become out of proportion to sanity and reality. You can do anything. You’re the same runner who knows they will win, and break the record for fastest time. But, hypomania can also cause feelings of anxiety and irritability. Now you’re running but people are blowing by you, and your shoes are heels. Mine is getting irritated that I can’t do what my imagination thinks I can do right then and there. Instant gratification is our heroin. It leads to behaviors like shopping sprees, hyper sexuality, gambling, and taking insane chances. For me it usually leads to the need to rearrange furniture or buy a whole new wardrobe. It also led me to start a business.

I’d also gotten into fluid art painting. Again, Pinterest (DAMN YOU!) caught the better of me and I fell in love with the videos of people pouring acrylic paint onto canvas and making organic images. And I had supplies to do this at home! After multiple trial and errors, I ended up buying new supplies, making huge messes, and ruining multiple items of clothing. But, my walls are now holding a myriad of paintings I’ve done. And, I’m working on a commission. To do the 5 Chinese elements for my acupuncturist.

And suddenly the whole bracelet thing clicked. Why not make Chinese 5 element bracelets? Research began and within a month I’d created my first collection of bracelets. But now what? Bipolar hypomania wears off and reality at what you’ve done sets in. I’d created these bracelets, but had no idea what to do with them. So, I hit the Google intertubes once again and after a couple of weeks, decided my best decision would be to open a shop on Shopify. Yes, I could have started on Etsy, like everyone was saying, but that’s like standing in Times Square trying to sell T-Shirts. There are plenty of others doing the same thing amongst a sea of knock off suitcase dealers and throngs of people. I would be a tiny fish in a huge sea, competing against other fish. A shop of my own would avoid that. But, getting my word out would be the hard part. I was now a fish in the open ocean looking for a school of similar fishes.

How I am going forward

I am way in over my head here. I’m beginning to see the debt bubble heading my way. I need to buy more to have more. Hypomania causes spending sprees that aren’t easy to recover from. Especially when you buy supplies you end up not liking or needing. It’s a waste which can trigger the swing downwards. I ended up in a small downward swing in mid January, and wasted 2 good weekends not getting things done. But, my first 5 sales boosted my mood. Until there were no more sales. I’ve got all of this stuff I need to still do, but I’m trying to do them as I run. I didn’t think before the race to grab water bottles or eat a protein bar. I’m learning those things right now. And the biggest mistake is trying to do this while working a full time job, and being a mom. Luckily my 9 year old is self-sustaining, but I wish I could electrocute myself into getting things done at appropriate times- when I am not busy. But, motivation isn’t something a Bipolar anxiety driven person comes by easily.

Maybe what I really need is someone to go R. Lee Ermey on me. Maybe then I’ll get more motivation to do that which I NEED to do.

If this post made you say “THAT’S ME!” or “Man she’s nuts…” sign up to see future posts like this. And Visit Vek and Zeal to see my beautiful bracelets.