I did something stupid recently- I caused a hole in my tire on my year old vehicle. It was not intentional, and I was driving appropriately, I just lost my grip on the wheel while trying to make a turn and hit a very sharp, square curb. Most people would be mad, or angry and deal. I had a mini breakdown, bawled my eyes out, and felt like the world had ended for the next few hours. But, the one emotion I’d hoped wouldn’t come out- shame. It’s a remnant emotion from my previous life where the reaction I’d get to such news and actions was one of blame, anger, disappointment, and inconvenience. It caused me to feel like I’d been tossed into a hole and had dirt and water poured on me. I was punished by emotional abuse.
I expected my husband to react in such a way that I would want to run away and hide, being full of shame, and self destruction. I was a puppy with my tail between my legs hoping not to be yelled at once again. And being the most awesome human being on the planet he didn’t. I could tell he wasn’t happy, I mean who in the world would be, but he didn’t use tense silence, or disciplinary words to make me feel like a third class citizen in my own marriage. But, my anxiety and mental reaction was one as if he’d done all of that. I was in tears, apologizing, and insisting I fix the problem myself. I was a bad mother in that moment because I wouldn’t be able to pick up my daughter and had to rely on a friend to help me out. I appreciate everything done for me, but it felt like I was being punished for existing. My mind was punishing me, the way I was punished in the past for what some would call a carelessly stupid, and unwarranted mistake that shouldn’t have happened if I’d just paid attention. As if there is no such thing as actual accidents.
It’s amazing how we can have emotional damage dictate responses to events years down the road after the cause of the damage is long gone. It is really a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD. Now, PTSD is not black and white, it is a huge range of grays. It can stem from physical, mental and emotional trauma and abuse. It can be caused by one event or an accumulation of traumas. Most have normal reactions when confronted by their past event in the present. Many women experience this when they grip their keys a bit tighter or hurry along in a deserted area, fearful a man will come out of the shadows and grab them. Some have severe reactions which can be crippling and debilitating. My reaction was somewhere in between, but closer to a mild reaction. I experienced mental and emotional fear response, neither of which I should have experienced. But, it is a learned behavior. It even learned from childhood. Fear of the reaction I will get when I’ve made a mistake, innocent or not.
I attribute the mild form of my reaction to medications and years of being able to lift my chin and stand up for myself, but the fact that I still had such an emotional and mental reaction that lasted hours later shows I still have healing to do. I won’t even completely get over it as I still have to deal (in a very small way at this point) with the perpetrator, but I do have to give myself credit for being able to recognize my reaction wasn’t warranted for the situation and handle myself accordingly.
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