In case I haven’t said it yet, I have Bipolar Type 2. This means I experience periods of highs and lows. Now, I know everyone has them, but mine are more than just “I feel energized today” and more like “I am going to spend $2000 and rearrange my furniture and bake fancy cupcakes…. all before 2pm today.” Yep, that has happened. And it comes with insomnia that leaves me not hungry and physically (not mentally) exhausted. And when depression hits, I don’t just feel like it’s an off day. Instead, I feel like nothing is worth anything and I can’t physically get up and do anything. And I spend the time beating myself up internally, hating my inability to get anything done. My couch becomes my home for as long as I can stay there.
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But, there are times when both the highs and lows subside. It is hard to know when I am in the “green”, or the Dementalized Zone as I like to call it, but when I am, something amazing happens. I get things done without feeling overwhelmed or like I am in a race. And I am able to get things done without becoming exhausted just thinking about standing up.
This weekend I was in the DMZ. I did sleep in Sunday morning, but I’d had a headache during the night that left me needing some extra sleep. But once up, I didn’t feel full of energy, nor did I feel like I was running on fumes. Instead, I just felt… normal. On Saturday I managed to complete 10 paintings without rushing or having my perfectionism take control. (I’m still in shock I managed to accomplish that much) I also managed to make 9 bracelets for my shop, and that’s tedious work. I did some cleaning as well. Sunday, I washed blankets, tie dyed my new batch of face masks, did about 4 hours of cross stitching, and even played minecraft for a bit. I also spent some time outside with my daughter as it was a nice day. Now, that doesn’t sound like much, but for someone with Bipolar, that is a huge feat to accomplish. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or want to do ten different things at one time. I didn’t feel like the world was just meh and need to waste away the day on the couch. I felt normal.
But here’s the thing- I didn’t realize I was feeling normal till I came up with the idea to write this down. Yep, I realized I’d had a normal two days after the days were over. It is almost impossible to recognize I was doing okay because quite frankly, I never do okay. I’ve been in a slowly decreasing funk since about mid January (this came out near the end of March) and it feels like the funk is gone; the fog has lifted. It feels freeing to not be in the grip of my own sadness and despair. And it feels nice not to be wound up so tightly I end up snapping. Hypomania can help me get things done, but the mental drain it takes sucks. So to have a weekend where I don’t feel my own mental pressures bearing down on me is so nice.
Hopefully this will last into the week. I feel more productive when I’m in this middle range state. At work the hypomania will make me very irritable, liable to snap or get angry at silly things like obnoxious sounds or people who can’t read an email. Other times the doldrums of depression make me not want to be at work, and I experience something similar to narcolepsy where I can’t for the life of me stop falling asleep for a period of an hour or two. I have pain in my shoulders and legs, my brain will be in a horrid fog and the only thing I want to do is crawl under my desk and hide. So here’s hoping netiher of those scenarios happen this week.
And how can I assure that? By hoping. Yep, hoping. Bipolar does have some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) solutions to help, but they don’t cure the highs and lows. And I do take medicine for my Bipolar which helps keep the swings from going to the extremes, but really it’s just the luck of the draw for me. Man I sure do wish to roll a 7 here.
So obviously a normal side of Bipolar can exist, and I know I am extremely lucky to experience it. But it sucks I don’t recognize it till after the time period to take advantage of it has passed. Cause the weekend is now over, time to go back to the work life. Again.
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