This past two weeks have been hard for me. I have so much to do, but when I get the time I just can’t. I have new bracelets for my shop I want to make. I want to get this blog and my pinterest boards flowing and getting traction. I have wedding invites to finish and send out, a head piece to create, and crystals to sew onto my dress. I have been promising my daughter to bake a cake for a while now. And every weekend I get done that MUST DO stuff… shopping, laundry, shampooing the carpet where the cat peed. But, I never get done the I WANT TO stuff. Why?
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I have anxiety (generalized), ADHD, and depression. I thought the anxiety and depression were a result of my failed marriage, but I learned in the past few years that they’d been around as long as my ADHD has… my whole life. I began treating the anxiety and depression. Therapy helped. But, depression was still around, though I didn’t recognize it every time it happened. 2019 changed that. It was finally suggested to me that I might be Bipolar. And bipolar depression can manifest differently than chronic depression. Damn does a hell of a lot make sense now.
A diagnosis of bipolar changed my perception of myself. I suddenly had the right tool to recognize when I was hypomanic and when I was depressed and was finally able to actually define them for me. I also began the medication game. Three trials later (and insurance issues) and I settled on Geodon (Ziprasidone). No, I’m not afraid to say openly what medication I take. It’s part of being open with myself about this mental trip I am on. Medication has blurred the lines, and made the hypomania and depression a bit less, but they are still there. And right now, I’m swinging downward.
What does my Bipolar depression look like?
I want to do things. I can see in my head me doing things. I think about what I need to do to do those things. I get anxious about those things. I maybe even get a bit of excitement to do those things. But, I physically can’t. I have physical depression. I’m not sad, more of meh. But my brain is choosing not to participate in getting my body to go along. I’m a car with a nearly dead battery. So, I lay on the couch thinking “I’ll get up in an hour and start”.
I think I’ve mentioned before that I am a fan of Hoarders. That show helps motivate me to clean. But these past two weeks I’ve lacked that motivation. I think my house doses me with downers on Saturday and Sunday to keep me from accomplishing tasks. So, I have to come up with ways to get up and do the thing. And so far it’s been doing the thing I NEED to do, then the wants.
So what do I do to get off the wonderfully loving and warm couch and set about conquering the crap I need to do? Well, here are 5 tactics I use. Maybe one can help you?
- Trick yourself with a scare tactic – I needed to shampoo my daughter’s carpet. She locked the cat in for 12 hours by mistake, and well, pets can’t hold it for that long. But cats are incapable of peeing somewhere once. I cleaned. And her cat came back again and again. I would clean, and again, the cat pees. And pet pee is like fabric dye- once in it doesn’t come out. So, I needed to tackle this like a pro and bring out The BIG BOY Bissell Pet Cleaner. I planned to do this Saturday morning, and even arranged for my daughter to go to a friends house for a sleepover so the carpet could dry. Planned. But Saturday morning I was in that funk. So, my fiancé said he would do it. He was doing it to be kind. But this was MY task. This was something I needed to do. So the idea of him doing it scared me. More like embarrassed, but you get the idea. So, come up with a tactic. Invite a friend over so you have to clean. Better yet, mom.
- Reward system– What do you wish you could do other than laundry? Anything, right? Pick something awesome, and set that as your reward. Wash, fold, and put away one basket of clothing- pizza for dinner. Sweep and vacuum- Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream for dessert. Finally get rid of that pile of donation stuff- six pack of your fav beer!
- Commercial break hustle– Oh I love this one. Forget binge watching Netflix or watching DVR recordings. Live TV on one channel, and put the remote away from you. Now, each commercial break, get up and go do something. You’ll only have on average 2.5 minutes- but that’s enough time to pick up some odds and ends around the room. Time to change the laundry. Empty the dishwasher. Change your sheets. Sweep the kitchen. Pick small tasks that are easy to accomplish. And combine with #2 and reward yourself for completing the tasks.
- Change your habitat– Depression makes me want to be under a blanket and the TV just loud enough to hear (and sleep through). This is because I get depressed when cold. So, I crank on my fireplace heat, put on some fuzzy slippers and warm pajamas, maybe even a beanie hat and make my warmth portable. In summer, I get down to shorts and tank top and turn on fans. Curtains drawn, well open them up. Turn on some music. This isn’t meant to break your depression, but to give you a physical boost in the hopes of getting up.
- Set a real deadline– I know, deadlines suck, right? You don’t need something very big, but something tangible that you must do. Kids will never believe you unless you follow through with your threats to take away their TV. So, do the same to yourself. You WILL make dinner once you finish mopping the floors. And people are hungry around 5:30 in your house. You will call your friend after the laundry is done (wash, dry, fold, put away) because she likes to go to bed around 9 and you can’t call her after that. You will watch the new season of Hoarders after you’ve cleaned the cat box, because it starts at 9pm and you don’t have TiVO.
What habits do you use for yourself when it comes time to do the thing you can’t because of Depression? What does your depression look like? Leave a comment below! Thanks for reading!
*Update- I used tips 3 and 4 to get done most of my To Do’s done. Now if only I could get my headpiece made! #GettingMarried
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