Bipolar Depression after Mania – Life certainly sucks right now

I.Am.Depressed. Full Stop. Not kinda, not maybe… I am. And this after a manic episode that luckily coincided with my wedding a few weeks ago. Guess this is the big let down- the period where my body just wants to give up and not play the game of life for a while.

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The biggest sign that I am currently in a depressive cycle of my Bipolar II is the ridiculous amount of exhaustion I am in. There is no reason for it. I am experiencing sleep paralysis in the mornings where I wake up but then go right back to a state where I’m not asleep but not awake. It makes getting out of bed so difficult in the mornings. And as for sleep, I am having much more vivid and physically jarring dreams, with REM sleep coming on faster than normal. I’ve been woken by reactions within dreams too many times to count in the past week. It contributes to the exhaustion. I can’t stay awake during the day at times. It’s a bit like narcolepsy.

My appetite has been out of whack lately as well. I know my depression is in full swing because I CRAVE sugar and non stop snacking. I need salt when I am manic, but depression brings on the sugar cravings like crazy. I could down a half dozen donuts, a pint of ice cream, and fruit galore. And this doesn’t help my waistline stay in check. My meds keep me heavier than I should be for my short stature, but eating anything sweet doesn’t help. I try to trick myself with sugar substitutes (I prefer erythritol, Stevia, or Monkfruit) but that doesn’t always work. Sometimes I just need a sugar-filled carbohydrate loaded bowl of bliss.

Depression has also hit me hard in my business and this blog. I haven’t been wanting to do anything having to do with my websites. Just the thought of having to make a blog post like this one was overwhelming. I have to come up with content, which I am so MEH about right now. It’s hard to be creative when all you want to do is lay on the couch and disappear from the world. I need to make new jewelry, advertise, and promote. I just can’t. WHY?!? It’s like someone has just sucked the ability to want to do things right out of me and spilled it all over the floor. Nothing is inspiring me. This feeling is one of the two main criteria for a diagnosis of depression: anhedonia. This is the lack of pleasure or interest in doing things you enjoy. Yea, I am enjoying nothing right now. Maybe some flowers would help?

Yesterday, after watching cleaning videos I knew I needed to clean my daughter’s room. Her carpet needed to be shampooed and her hoard of toys picked up. OMG, that was like pulling teeth! And once I was finished I felt like I’d done nothing. It didn’t help I injured my big toe slipping on the bathroom tile with wet feet, but I just gave up without finishing. My excuse was I needed to let the carpet dry, but seriously, I should have been able to finish. But I just couldn’t. So I still have to do all of this work in there to make it useful for her. If only she would stop being such a tornado! I only managed to get it done because she complained about not wanting to sleep in her room. The idea of her trying to sleep in my bed was motivation enough. I can’t sleep with her and my husband in the same bed.

I also don’t feel very loving toward my husband. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love this man to death! I love his hugs. But, right now the more intimate feelings are just so lack luster. I don’t have the need to give him a kiss, or joke around with him like I normally do. I don’t give a crap what he is doing, as long as he’s leaving me alone. And that really sucks. I shouldn’t hope he doesn’t come to bed or come downstairs to talk to me. But I do. I don’t want to be involved in anything right now. I just want to be left alone to sleep this shit off.

Now, I’m not severely SAD. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I don’t hate myself, or wish everything would just go away. This episode of depression is much more physical and mental than emotional. I don’t feel the need to cry, or wish for attention. I just want to be left alone. I sincerely want to get up and do things, both needed and wanted. But there is just no mental motivation to do so. The only things I’m getting done are those

things I have to do. I have to cook dinner. I have to do reports at work. I have to work. I have to take my daughter to daycare. I have to get dressed. But it’s still a fight to get them done. And completing tasks is not satisfying. They’re just done and that’s it. Usually I breathe a sigh of relief and accomplishment when I turn in the monthly report at work. I did that today and I felt nothing, more like it was just an annoyance. Even showering can be such a hassle.

Hopefully this episode of depression doesn’t last too long. Luckily I cycle a bit faster than the common Bipolar II person does. I don’t spend months in my manic or depressive states, just a couple or so weeks with longer periods of “normal”. Of course normal isn’t the normal normal. I’m still neurodivergent and a weirdo.

Do you suffer any of the same symptoms that I do during your depression? Drop a comment below and let me know! And don’t forget to hit me up with your email!